Hilarious Quotes

Here you will find some of the funniest and most hilarious quotes ever said or written. Whether they come from professional comedians or writers and thinkers, be prepared to laugh out lout with these hilarious quotes!

If you enjoy them, you will like our Funny Quotes

Hilarious Quotes From Comedians

  • When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car – Bob Monkhouse
  • I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish – Steven Wright
  • Red sky at night, shepherd’s 
delight. Blue sky at night, day – Tom Parry
  • I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody – Dimitri Martin
  • How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town – Jimmy Kimmel
  • Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician – Adam Gropman
  • A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it – Jerry Seinfeld 
  • All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats – Groucho Marx 
  • I intend to live forever. So far, so good – Steven Wright 
  • Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way – Steve Martin

hilarious quotes

Hilarious Quotes From Others

  • The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so – Gore Vidal
  • The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form – Stanley Randall
  • Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes – Jim Carrey 
  • People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do – Isaac Asimov 
  • I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun – Arnold Schwarzenegger 
  • In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk – Rita Rudner
  • As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it – Buddy Hackett 
  • I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens – Woody Allen 
  • All generalizations are false, including this one – Mark Twain 
  • Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you – Joey Adams 


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