Funny Quotes

In this world, there is serious, wise, happy, sad, behavior, life quotes and many more! But there is also funny quotes! We got the funniest quotes together here on our site. You will probably start laughing by reading these, and they can also help you get your smile on. Get ready to get your mood lifted!

Funny quotes

  • “A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.” – Oliver Herford
  • “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
  • “No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.” – Abraham Lincoln
  • “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
  • “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Mitch Hedberg
  • “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
  • “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” – Winston Churchill
  • “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg
  • “Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” – Jules Renard


  • “It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger
  • “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield
  • “If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.” – Henny Youngman
  • “Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full time job and children.” – Bill Hicks
  • “Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.” – Wilson Mizner
  • “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
  • “Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” – James Thurber
  • “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel
  • “Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.” – James A. Garfield
  • “I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.” – Bob Hope
  • “I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” – Mae West
  • “O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” – Saint Augustine
  • “If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.” – Clint Eastwood
  • “This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.” – Oscar Wilde
  • “Instant gratification takes too long.” – Carrie Fisher